is this a symptom of being 40

have come to a realization.... 40 is something
I always say my kids are bright and intelligent..... They are just lazy and wont make the effort to succeed
This past week I have discovered why...... Its my fault...... I am not the same person I was before I became a parent.... Granted that was at 18 but still I'm not
Or maybe I am
I say this because in school I was successful... Good grades.... Yet as an adult.... I don't see myself as the end result of what my high school career would have foretold..... Or do I
I contradict each statement because I wonder what is really going on
Was I this great student and then stopped trying
Or was high school just easy and I didn't have to try so i didn't..... And still don't
In either instance.... I allowed life.... To keep me stagant....for years. And even now it is easier to not do than to get up and do...
I guess the point is... My kids did what they saw.... They heard of me being successful in high school but saw in everday life ... Me just making it... Or barely making it at times....there was no proof or evidence of success
Not that I'm making excuses for myself but these things occurred to me this week.
as I sit here daily cuz im currently unemployed…. I know there are things that I need and want to accomplish…  I need to practice my presentation for the support meeting next week,  I need to work on the accounting workbooks I bought over a year ago to each myself accounting,  I need to start pulling together the collage for Simoras birthday….. among other things….. yet I sit… and think bout what I need to do….. instead of doing..
a new thought has just occurred to me….. maybe my nearly stagnantness (nope that aint a word) is because im depressed…. I know yall thinking… surely u would know if you were depressed but actually a lot of the time I don’t know until ive been depressed for a min then the light bulb comes on…..
anywho….
one day many years ago…. I cant to the realization that I couldn’t continue living how I was….depressed, broke, involved with idiots, involved with a crack head, being upset about my father…. just a collection of things….
when I turned 30 there were things that I was like… im 30 naw we don’t do that anymore… that is for 20somethings to do….sooo ive made it a daily goal to improve my life….every year I can see where ive made changes and improvements to bettering me…. ive had setbacks but at 40 I can say…. while I may not be where or who I thought id be when I was 29 turning 30  im still in a pretty good position
so my question for myself is how to motivate my kids to be successful… to want to be successful,, to not want to just live getting by….
I think I do ok…. even unemployed… im keeping things up pretty good…Gods blessing us mightily…. I have the degree…not using it but I still got that paper  lol and the bills to pay for it.  but what more can I do
im rambling and lightening just struck really really really close to the window im sitting at….. aighty
so now I go to ponder…. what to do and am I really depressed and if so…why……